A Reflection on Managing Grief During the Holidays

I’m relieved once the holidays are over.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the festivities, the lights and music and the chance to set day-to-day demands aside. Most of all I treasure spending time with family and friends. But it’s taken me years to find my way back from a time when the approaching holidays unhinged me completely and called up my deepest instinct to flee, to find a place to hide until the metronome of time ticked its wand into the new year.

That time —the worst time– was fourteen years ago, when I faced the first gauntlet of holiday celebrations, after my son was killed.  As the holidays approached, I felt a deep dread and I endured these feelings for many years…not just the “first year.” Sometimes I told myself these were the “howl-a-days” to brace myself for the sorrow that would come crashing over me.

Loss is a part of life and it takes its toll, regardless of the time of year. For the people who are grieving the loss of someone they love –family members, friends, colleagues– the holidays sharpen an awareness of the absence –the “not-presence”– of loved ones.

During the holidays, I think about them, the people like me, for whom there are moments, in the midst of the happy hub-bub where longing comes over me, like an undertow, an insistent pull, sometimes strong, sometimes less-so, but pulling me nonetheless, down, down and away from the joy.  In those moments I realize a hug or smile won’t be exchanged, nor the soulful caring that would roll through my heart with those small gestures from my son, Matt.

What would I offer that might help for someone whose holidays are shadowed by grief?  I’d say, your love is finding its way to your loved one; that the wave of grief coming over you will roll through you and you will survive it; that being present, and being a part of the celebrations, is essential; and that these moments will bring a healing comfort despite the sharp edge of longing.

Holidays, whatever the traditions you keep, offer priceless moments shared with people you love, along with meals, memories, gifts, laughter. And holidays create time, when the preciousness of life –the time we do have with each other– is cherished.

Contributed by Nancy Ronquillo as part of her journey in grieving the loss of her son, Matt, as she works to keep his memory and spirit alive in this world.